Saturday, March 12, 2011

The Gift of Waiting

I realized, after I chose this title, that it sounds like I'm writing a piece for an abstinence campaign. Not so much, so you can all breathe a sigh of relief. ;)

I really don't like waiting, so saying that it is a "gift" is really just my way of trying to acknowledge that God has a bigger/better plan that I can't see and for the moment it involves waiting...

...5-7 more weeks to meet my baby
...5-7 more weeks of this awful preterm labor diet*
...4 more weeks of 2x weekly shots in my bum
...4-ish more weeks of modified bedrest
...for Spring to arrive
...for Easter

*My doctor is doing an independent study of sorts with me and her other preterm labor patients, to see if going Hurdite...

(daily)
3 servings of 1/2 cup legumes
3 glasses of psylium husk nastiness (I put it in very diluted cran. juice - yes, I know that's sugar)
5-7 serving veggies
No refined carbs, alcohol (duh), sugar, caffeine

...can reduce irritation/inflammation that may result in preterm labor. I really do feel quite a bit better, but it's a rather Lenten feat to try to eat/drink all that nastiness.
Note: I quickly became very lax about the whole thing, eating pasta/pizza/fruits when those are my meal options. But I did successfully delete caffeine and almost always have beans for lunch/snack and am amazed how much better I feel, despite being 3rd trimester tired; guess who's taking more naps these days? (Also probably why I'm feeling better).

Back to waiting... So I'm waiting, and I know that 5-7 weeks, which is really the longest I'm going to have to wait for any of the things listed above, is a ridiculously short amount of time and I should just get over it and settle in for a bit more gestating/shots/lenten diets/winter.

But the real challenge is feeling like a complete and utter failure as a mother right now and knowing that my children have to put up with this for another 5-7 weeks. Here's the equation:

Up and moving = I feel great, want to "nest" and play with kids...
Sitting/resting = immediate disappearance of all of the above replaced by extreme exhaustion and complete mental vacuity re how to occupy their time.

...and guess which one I'm supposed to be doing for the majority of each day? Yep.

So I either rest on the couch while the kids bounce on me and each other, or I hand them off to my saintly sister and am out like a light for nearly 3 hours (this is more what's been happening to the last week or so). I wake up feeling so much better, but it also means I'm sleeping through 1/2 my children's waking hours. I just don't feel like a great parent, for some reason.

So, I wait for this to be over, and I wish that I could just be full-term already. And I wonder what on earth God is trying to teach me during this season...

- That's it's ok to a sleeping bum and a 1/2-involved parent?
- That I should ignore my doctor and just keep moving so I can parent?
- That I need to just accept that I don't have the vaguest idea/energy re. how to make Iain's and Lydia's days productive (I don't really think God wants my children watching movies all day long, do you?)

So, how is this a gift, and what am I supposed to be learning?
How do I wait well and what are my children supposed to be doing while I wait?

2 comments:

Alexis said...

1. Kudos to you. I would be a saint if I had to endure your pregnancy - that's how hard it would be for me. Seriously - you are awesome.
2. The kids are a. resiliant b. clueless. Don't worry too much about them - it's very temporary. Buy some extra books and coloring books and buy a little trampoline for in front of your couch (for Iain, not you). It's the end of winter so you would be feeling a lot of this anyway just b/c of cabin fever. Soon they'll be playing outside and all will be well.
Oh, and there are seasons of life. This is a TV season for you and your kids. THAT IS FINE. A few months, heck a few years, of watching a lot of TV is not going to hurt them. You can always return to your normal standards later. I know I have :).
3. You ARE being a good parent. You are taking care of the child that most needs YOU and can not be fed and changed or played with by the sainted sister. Think of it as your baby being in the hospital (which your baby COULD be right now if you weren't taking such good care of it). You wouldn't be home at all - to bounce on or otherwise. You would spend your time with the sick child. That is what you are doing now, except in a more convenient way.
Not that it is at ALL easy to have a sick child - it's the toughest thing around so it's OK to feel like it's a major struggle for you and your family. It sucks. I can not imagine, really I can't. Love you!

Anonymous said...

What she said -- Very well stated, Alexis! You're doing great, Betsy. Have you ever thought about living closer to your parents, so your mom could help out more? Oh wait... why do they keep muddling that plan??? But we love you!!! --Mom